go FOMO yourself.

I've been thinking a lot about my "social networking" habits lately. Maybe, it's not been so much thinking as actual personal questioning re: where I am online, what I'm doing and most importantly, why I feel this overwhelming desire to CONSTANTLY be connected at ALL TIMES.

I think this stems from an incident that occurred at The Vino House a few weeks back. While watching a movie with B (or, attempting to while simultaneously responding to texts or checking email, Facebook and Twitter every fifteen minutes) I look up at one point to realize that we are both sitting there transfixed by the glow of our iPhone screens and not paying attention to the movie in the slightest.

Me: "Oh my god, do you realize how sick this is? We are such the stereotypical iPhone owners right now."
B: "Yeah, you're totally right. Actually, do you know how I can get three stars on this level of Angry Birds?"

(sidenote: B is a brand-spanking-new iPhone 4 to Verizon owner so, her behavior is acceptable. Me? I'm still rocking an original iPhone since 2008 thus giving me no excuse.)

So, let’s start this again: Hi, my name is Allison and I am a social media addict.

Fact: I am addicted to my iPhone. My morning routine consists of checking email, RSS feeds, Facebook, Twitter and a multitude of newsworthy websites just to get my fix. I’m sure this is somewhat normal for many people, so I really don’t feel too badly about it. Everything I do throughout the day (and then some) consists of using the internet, and that used to not bother me. We live in the age where internet is God and we are all its minions, referencing it for everything and using it for anything. It’s the king of tools and we utilize the SHIT out of it, as we should. With the push of a button we shove privacy aside and place our thoughts, feelings and life on display for any and everyone to be a part of. It gives us a little space in this world where we can connect to people, absolutely, but it also unleashes the inner creep within us all that we’re too ashamed to actually admit exists in real life. But is there really anything wrong with that?

So, back to my original question, why do we do this? To which I must answer completely honestly – I don’t know. Asking someone why they tweet or blog will probably produce a slew of answers ranging from “because I like it” to “well in times such as these I find it oddly peculiar that others don’t take to the internet to voice their concern over the emerging and evident issues arising around the nation as a whole”

… to which I will have to stop, laugh at you and tell you in my total serious voice that “Dude, you take the internet way too seriously to actually exist.”

But then, I get linked to articles like this one and it all makes sense. The internet is a great big party and if you’re not connected in some way, shape or form – you’re missing out. The FOMO the author so poignantly describes is alive and well but it can be fought and won. This isn’t some lame ass high school party where only the “cool kids” are invited and the wallflowers are forced to stay home. Regardless of whether or not you can physically BE at some event is slowly becoming irrelevant when you can pseudo-experience it all from many peoples’ perspectives through a Twitter stream. Of course, there’s nothing better than the actual experience of being there but for those of us who can’t – we’re still included. FOMO is much less when you just accept that fact.

I Facebook (though, much to my disdain as of late), I tweet, I blog. I check a dozen plus websites a day most of which are blogs of people I don’t know in real life. I Netflix (instant play rules my life). I use the internet for it all. It’s the ever-there presence that I love to hate and just can’t quit no matter what. I used to have a problem with that but now, it’s just accepted. Sure, disconnecting myself from it all is sometimes necessary for my own sanity but I’ll never be able to completely let it go.

And why would I want to? The only thing the internet lacks is a nonstop flow of free tequila, though I might then turn into that asshole that just runs their mouth on YouTube and does nothing but embarrass themselves like the idiotic bigot that they are.

Except you know, I’d be much classier. Thanks internet!

belief.

It's been awhile since I've felt inspiration. True, honest to god, pure inspiration. It comes and goes in waves, as I'm sure many people would agree. When you're looking for it, it never comes and when you're too busy to even consider the thought - it strikes. It always does. It's inevitable.

I've been inspired by, multiple things these past weeks and I think I'm at the point where I actually feel safe saying it out loud without fear that by me doing so will jinx it, thus leaving it as just a fleeting moment in the ever revolving door of life. Not only am I being inspired, but I'm actually EXCITED about this "project" (if I want to call it that) and can't wait to work on it. While I don't feel comfortable completely indulging all the details that it includes, it's going to be good. I think. No, I know. Once it gets past the pre-planning and planning and putting together and hours of work that I think it'll take to get up and running - this will be something that's good. No, great. Not only because I believe in it so much, but I believe in everything involving it. I don't know if I can say that enough.

It feels nice to be included in this, to be brought in from the beginning. To be picked (out of sheer convenience even) by a person and have them tell you "I want this and I want you to be the person to help me make this happen." Like all projects seen through from the beginning - it feels like a baby. One that I know when all the work is said and done, I will be proud of. I don't (or, really try hard not to) do things half-assed because, quite frankly, I like to make people happy. Knowing that someone trusts me enough, believes in me enough to think that I can do this, just warms me to my soul. Plus, everyone knows that I DO NOT LIKE to disappoint. Scratch that, I can't disappoint. Not when I believe in the project so much. When the time comes down to it and the weight is on my shoulders, I can take it. I'll be that person for you, always. No question.

It's good to have a little hope again. To be renewed. To be EXCITED - knowing full well what lies ahead. It'll all pay off and be more than worth it. Not even so much for me, but for the person behind it all. Who I believe in more than anything. Who believes in me, and together, I truly believe that we can make this happen.

I can't wait.

titanic story.

Sunday night was Titanic night at my house. Ever since I found out that B had never seen it (um, I KNOW. I couldn't quite comprehend it either) and considering it's my favorite movie of all time, I made it my mission in life to unleash the epic story upon her. What I didn't anticipate? HAVING TO PHYSICALLY DRIVE TO AND CALL SIX DIFFERENT STORES BEFORE WE FOUND A COPY OF THE MOVIE.



Okay seriously. It's an older movie, I understand. BUT IT IS TITANIC, PEOPLE. The second highest-grossing film OF ALL TIME. It held the highest-grossing record for MORE THAN TEN YEARS. (13, if we're being accurate. And just so we're clear, Avatar can go fuck itself, because it sucked.) So, imagine my shock and growing despair when NO PLACE HAS IT. Well, I take that back. Target had it... ON VHS. Seriously. It took everything I had to not laugh out loud when that was presented to me as our only option. We finally tracked it down (to rent) at a video store, which, I didn't even know still existed these days. Also of which I might never be able to set foot in again because of my complete and total freak out when I finally caught sight of that glorious icy-blue cover and completely lost my shit. I mean, COMPLETELY.

Subtlety has never been my strong suite, obviously.

Triumphant in our success, we stopped and got food, went to the store to pick up supplies to make muddy buddies and after our two-hour excursion, got back to my house at 8:00 to finally start the movie.

Long story short: didn't finish until almost midnight. I cried like I always do. She liked it but "will never watch it again".

Not exactly the reaction I was going for but, I take what I can get. Mission successful.

mr. ramen

Growing up (aka: before I knew of such thing as a sodium OVERDOSE) I loved Top Ramen. Top Ramen ANYTHING. In fact, I'm pretty sure there was a point where it was all that I ate for months at a time. I'd go all Iron Chef and heat frozen veggies in a skillet and flavor them with the "seasoning" and then throw in the noodles and VOILA! What can I say? Gourmet is just how I roll.

In recent years, I've fallen way out of love with the cheap, salty goodness of Top Ramen (and in this case, its main partner-in-crime, the freeze dried Cup of Noodles) in favor of, you know, actual food. And the fact that "poor college student" doesn't quite work when you DON'T GO TO COLLEGE,  but every so often I'll get hit with a craving for the faux-meat seasoned broth of my youth and I have to indulge. I don't question it, I just do.

Flash-foward to last week where I have eaten Cup of Noodles ONCE A DAY.  Granted, it's probably better than those sinfully and disgustingly delicious $.89 5-Layer Burritos from Taco Bell that I had been inhaling like IT WAS MY JOB for the past month (I can't even talk about it other than EIGHTY-NINE CENTS. THAT'S ALL.) But I'm quite sure that it's about time for me to give up this high blood pressure inducing treat. At least for awhile. I quite honestly believe that the only reason I don't have the swollen ankels and face of whale is because to combat the extra sodium I knew I'd be taking in - I upped my water drinking to UNHEARD OF LEVELS.  But even then, when I got a mouthful of sweat at the gym the other night (long story) and I felt like I had taken a shaker of Morton's salt and poured it down my throat, I knew it was time.

So, back to eating better. I don't think I've ever been happier to dive face first into a huge salad. And you can quote me on that.

caffeine and asprin take me away.

So, bad days.

Bad days, bad weeks, bad months, bad however long always seems like a lifetime. It's easy to slip into that mindset where it's easy to just be miserable and let it consume you. I'd have to imagine it's the same, yet different, feeling for everyone though that's still to be determined. For me, it's like a black cloud following me that slowly and surely escalates into something more along the lines of BIGGEST FUNNEL CLOUD OF MY LIFE wherein I am then sucked up and in and spun around and beat up until I can take no more. And then I get irrational. Like, not just over the issues at hand (aka: the ones that really matter) but I bring up events like "OH MY GOD, WHY DID I PICK THE PINK BARBIE CORVETTE INSTEAD OF THE BARBIE JEEP WHEN I WAS 5? I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF. THAT'S WHY I'M THE WAY THAT I AM, I KNOW IT"

... yeah, I've got more baggage than anyone probably should. Louis Vuitton would be proud.

ANYWAYS. When I get this way it's not pretty. And, that's being nice about it. So between the current issues I'm having coupled with my issues about Barbie cars when I was 5 and sprinkled with a nasty little cold that won't go away, I then go and lose my debit card. In the span of 10 minutes. ME. THE PERSON WHO HAS NEVER LOST SO MUCH AS A LIBRARY CARD IN MY LIFE. (Sidenote: I really hope that when/if I have kid(s) they don't inherit the insane amount of anxiety and masochism I apparently like to inflict upon myself. This type of mental torture is not fun.) so, when this happened, on top of my already shitty week and sickness, I was done, completely done. But as is my life, I had to suck it up and deal with it until I could lose my shit in the privacy of my own car.  Just as I was about to completely lose it - and just break down into a very embarrassing hysterical fit (because I am, you know, an adult) I look up to find that Stacy, aka: the best aunt in the whole universe, has walked in to surprise me with an iced chai.

AND IT WAS LIKE THE HEAVENS HAD OPENED, & WAS BEAMING A LIGHT DOWN ON THIS CUP THAT WAS FILLED WITH THE TEARS OF BABIES, UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS.  WHILE BEING STUFFED WITH $100 BILLS.

No kidding, that is the type of euphoric feeling that I got OVER THIS OUTRAGEOUSLY PRICED CUP OF COFFEE. I mean, more than anything, seeing her was the best part of it even though she tends to have this creepily scary accurate radar over me and when I'm in distress (like um, I dunno, saving me from being abducted / raped / murdered) but really, it was just what I needed at that exact moment. It didn't matter what it was, it just righted my world a little bit. I didn't feel so alone and isolated all due to her generous nature and my affinity for overpriced coffee drinks. I don't think that I would have ever been so happy to see a green straw in my LIFE.  I would say I've never been so happy to see her too, which is true but I am ALWAYS happy to see her face Starbucks or no Starbucks.

So, things are on their way back to becoming normal again. Well, stable anyway. And it was all thanks to a little chai tea latte that I sucked down almost immediately. Well, that and the Ambien + red wine coma that I put myself in last night. But that's another story for a different day.

what have we got to lose?

So, I maybe-kinda-sorta forgot about the self portrait project. Well, not so much forgot as abandoned I suppose. Oh well, I had an excuse. That very next day, Megan went into (what turned out to be) a 4-day long labor thus, I was not so much concerned with keeping up with the self portrait.  I'll get back into it when (if) I ever do. Leaning more towards the when though.

I'm teetering the mountain-esque edge between sick and not sick, which is more irritating than anything on this planet it seems.  It's not that I actually feel bad, but I have this irritating cough and my throat hurts which go hand-in-hand I'm sure (thanks, genius).  But I'd rather just get full on sick and be miserable for a couple days then just get over it, rather than have it drag on like this. In a perfect world, I just wouldn't get sick at all but, I save my hopes & dreams for more important things (ie: boning John Mayer and/or marrying rich)

So other than fighting with not-quite-sickness, I'm fighting my overwhelming urge to spring clean the hell out of everything that I own. I want to erase and get rid of EVERYTHING and just start over. Of course, I have recognized that to be a terrible idea for the most part (erasing my iPod to start over clean? I shudder at the fact I even CONSIDERED THAT AT ONE POINT) so I'm taking baby steps.  I'm just ready for spring (and warm weather) to be here, I think. Let's get a move on it Mother Nature.

wwj(onas)d?

Mornings at my house are usually quiet. Perks of having roommates with completely opposite schedules of mine, I guess. But I'm up at 6 every morning and of course, what person would get up that early if they don't have to? So mornings are my time, more often than not, where I can do whatever I please and not be interrupted.  It's my own little version of Heaven (if there is such a thing at that hour of the day anyway)

But sometimes, we overlap or for some random reason, one or both of my roommates are up. Not a big deal, as it doesn't happen that often. This morning, it happened for the first time in God knows how long. After a particularly weird night of dreams that I don't understand why I had or really even remember, I was straightening my hair this morning when I had a sudden flash on something I remembered from the night before.

Me: KEITH! KEITH! KEEEEEEEITH!

Keith: What?

Me: Ok, there is no way that the oldest Jonas brother that just got married waited to bone that chick, right? RIGHT?

Keith: ...wait, what?

Me: SERIOUSLY. He's a DUDE. There's NO WAY THEY WAITED. NO WAY IN HELL.

Keith: ...is this seriously the kind of shit that you think about in the mornings?

welcome to my mind, at 6:30 in the mornings. also, I don't think he'll be getting up early again any time soon.

holidaze.

I’ve been a little reclusive lately. It’s been harder and harder to work up any initiative whatsoever to actually do anything or want to get anything done. I’m not quite sure what brings this on, but it usually starts happening around this time of the year. Every year, it’s something.

I used to blame it on the change of the seasons. I’ve never liked winter and the freezing, sub-arctic temperatures that I used to have to deal with didn’t help in the slightest. In fact, that probably kick started my desire to crawl back into my shell. Hibernation even, until the spring when it was safe(er) to come out again. Even if that was the case, it would be a legitimate excuse (if you’ve ever spent a winter on the East Coast, then I know that you’ll understand. The winters there are LEGIT, and I thank god every day that I don’t have to deal with it anymore.)

If that wasn’t enough, November marks the beginning of the holiday season, which I despise more often than not. I’m not a Scrooge or Grinch by any means, but I find the general idea of the “holiday season” deplorable. It’s been so packaged and commercialized throughout the years that the real meaning is so lost in translation (and between the whiny kids begging parents for insanely expensive and unnecessary things) that it’s just not worth it. However, I do absolutely love the idea of finding that PERFECT gift for someone. Maybe it’s just me and my nature but I just love getting it right and giving something thoughtful and meaningful, no matter how long or what lengths I have to go through to find it. I love the atmosphere, where people are just happy to be with each other and spend time together. There are many other things that I love too (um, the food, music, smells, sights, etc) but those two just stick with me in a much bigger way, and fill the void that seems to have crept its way into my life around this time especially within the last few years.

It’s getting easier to recognize when I fall back into that rut of comfortability and isolation and change it. I’m not alone; I don’t have to feel that way. There’s no reason for me to act like I am, you know? My life isn’t that bad. I have it GREAT compared to a lot of other people so for me to mope and feel alone is silly. I’m only as isolated as I make myself, and I’m the only one that can change that.

allison, unplugged.

So, I took an unintentional hiatus from the world last week. I say "hiatus" lightly because I was still online and emailing and Facebooking (like what I did there?) but I didn't TALK to anyone. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was phoneless from Tuesday up until last Friday and while I originally thought that I was going to die with no outside communication to the world (no really, iPhone withdrawl is a mean bitch)... I didn't. I did however find that as the days went on, I just got used to it. The "desire" I thought I had to talk to people just sort of dissipated as the week went on, surprisingly enough.

It really made me consider how "connected" I am all the time. My job requires me to be on the phone all day, and most of my work is done on the computer and it's just a lot. Not that I'm complaining but I was just made very aware of how much I rely on my phone. But without it, I just unplugged. Disconnected for awhile, and it was so nice. Well, it was nice once I got over the fact that OMGIHAVENOPHONERIGHTNOWWHATAMIGOINGTODO phase passed. I cleaned, caught up on shows I'd been missing, FINALLY STARTED READING AGAIN (sorry, that's a big one for me), had game night with my roommates, sewed a tear in one of my sweaters (again, big one for me) and just, got stuff done. Sure, I was still online and doing all the stuff that I usually do but I wasn't in such a PANIC all the time. If someone needed me, they could email me and eventually I wasn't frantic about it. I just LET STUFF HAPPEN, and that was weird. I'm usually so in control of EVERYTHING it was hard giving that up. But I did, and the world didn't end...imagine that. Even the day  I got it back, I put off getting "reconnected" because...I just didn't really care. I knew I'd be okay, until my mom google-searched my work and came up with the number AND CALLED TO CHECK ON ME. Yeah, I was at lunch. Imagine my surprise when they said "oh hey, your Mom called for you" and I'm just all "UM WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE CALLED FOR ME? HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS NUMBER?"  Not that I hide it from her, it was just surprising.

ANYWAYS. Long story short, I am now reconnected with the world and that is that. I'm getting myself back into the swing of things and it's like a whole new world, to be honest.  My unintentional break was just that - unintentional but quite needed I think. And I didn't even know it.

i will survive, hey hey.

To quote the great Gloria Gaynor: I, I will survive!

This week has been hellacious, to say the very least. It's been nothing but stress, anxiety and just everything. I honestly don't think that I've ever wanted to just freak out more than I have this week alone. The transition at work is complete (well, still ongoing but mostly complete) and as of yesterday, I was fired and as of today I'm hired. I've been stressing about it all week - whether or not I'd have a job or not. Not going to lie, I was feeling pretty "glass-half-empty" about it so this development was pretty welcome. It sure takes a whole weight off my shoulders - and the fact that I'll still be able to pay rent and cover my bills isn't too shabby either.

It makes me feel a little worse about taking off (ie: calling in sick) tomorrow though. But I mean, if all this had went down last week like it was supposed to, I wouldn't feel so bad. But of course (and I should have known) that stuff like this NEVER goes according to plan. Ever. I can't complain though, it just sucks having a conscious sometimes. Oh well, I earned this weekend. I really did.

At this time tomorrow, I'll be with J in Phoenix hanging out for the first time since Vegas. 5 months! That's such a long time to go without seeing my best friend. I can't wait to hang out with her, even if it is just for a few days. Plus, BRITNEY tomorrow night and lotsss of booze. That kind of helps take my mind off of work. I just want to relax. But that's easier said then done with me lately.

So much to do tonight! Who would have thought getting stuff together for a weekend would be so hard?

this is gonna sound kinda silly.

Easter came and went, much like any other holiday that I've experienced within the last 9 months. Family, epic amounts of food and consumption of alcohol, a late night game of basketball (that included flashes of hockey, soccer and football if you can imagine. Generally, it was just a really fun time. I ate too much, drank more then I should have and was on a complete sugar high most of the day mostly due to the fact that H & I baked and decorated some 3 dozen-odd cupcakes the night previous. They turned out delicious though!

I was reminded (yet, again) how different holiday's are to me now. Surprise being that I actually LIKE them, and look forward to them. Before, it was all stress and commuting between a bunch of different places and not wanting to hurt feelings and..everything. It's not like that anymore, it's fun. I have a good time and just relax while enjoying everyones' company. Shouldn't it always be that way? Well, now it is. Score for me.

No new news on the job front - which is frightening. Well, to an extent. I was interviewed (twice!) and peed in a cup for them (drug testing - not because I wanted to - and yes, passed.) But, I don't know what they're doing with everything yet. I remember how chaotic it was when the Chrysler store was sold (back in my former life) and it took awhile for everything to work out. I'm sure this will go something more along the lines like that and hopefully, I'll stick it out and still be around to see the finish. I've got a decent feeling about it, but like I said, we just really don't know. But it was decided between K & I that if we lose our jobs, then we're going to Vegas. I hope it doesn't come to that (even though I'm itching to play some blackjack), but I'm just sayin'.

In a weeks time, I will be in Phoenix (Tempe, whatever) with Jacqueline, seeing Ms. Britney Jean Spears live when her Circus tour rolls into town. I'm so excited, even if I'll be there for what seems like a blink of an eye and that J has to work while I'm there. We'll spend some quality drunk bff time together Saturday night at least, and while it's not ideal - I guess I can deal with it.

she's a runner.

This Sunday, I'm participating in the Wine Country Half Marathon Run/Walk.

Obviously, I'm doing the walk and not the run. The sheer thought of me running 13 miles (or um, even 3 miles?) is enough to make me laugh and cry. Even so - 13 miles walking (yes, 13-freaking-miles) is a large stretch of ground to cover.

I've never been the distance type person. I played sports for years and years (basketball, softball, soccer, volleyball) and stuck with basketball and soccer in high school. The former being my all-time favorite (and something that I love to this day) and we conditioned. But it was laps and sprints, those quick bursts of speed have always always always been what I prefer (and actually like--sometimes) but it didn't keep me from loving soccer too. Back in the day, when I was actually in shape, running 13 miles wasn't even something I'd have considered; let alone now.

So, why would I even consider trying to tackle something like this a week before the competition giving me a total of 7 days to gear myself and shock my body back into thinking I could do something like this?

That's a good question.

I like to be challenged. Always have, and always will. Couple that with the fact that when I tell someone that I'll do something - I always follow through. Auntie S (the person who I, when I'm not being a complete lazy ass, walk with anyway) brought it to my attention because she was doing it and thought that I would too It didn't start off as a challenge and I'm not doing it because I feel obligated, I want to do it. I want to challenge myself (mentally and, obviously, physically) to see if I can do this. It's been a long time since I've put myself to such a test and I really want to prove to myself that regardless of how old I feel sometimes, I haven't lost my touch completely.

It's going to be rough, I've completely accepted this fact by now (as well as the fact that I may or may not be able to walk the next day) but I've always worked best under pressure. I'm actually, getting excited about it now. After I got back from the practice death-march (as I so lovingly refer to them as) I felt really, really good. I had energy and I wasn't as completely drained like I thought I would be. Granted, it was only 3-4 miles but that was a good sign, to me at least. We're going to work up to it for the rest of this week, do a mini-walk on Saturday and then bust it out on Sunday. I don't care what place we finish...okay, I kind of do but that's just because I like winning, but as long as I finish will be good enough for me.

I'll be up bright and early Sunday morning armed with my iPod preloaded with a kick ass "marathon mix" (tentatively titled: "music to and walk to and die by"...I'm so funny!) and an awesome walking partner so - I can't wait!

you play the victim and I'll be the bad guy

"Most times, it's just a lot easier not to let the world know what's wrong."
— Chuck Palahniuk [Invisible Monsters]

For a long, long time I think (ok, I know) that I ran my life with that type of rationalization. And honestly, sometimes I still do. But it's a characteristic of mine that while it may not be the best, I can embrace it and I don't think I'll ever let it go completely. I need that feeling of being able to digest and analyze some things internally and by myself before I can voice it to the world sometimes. I'm slowly but surely learning the difference over things that I can do that with and other things that I can't compact and let build up until it explodes and chaos ensues.

I've noticed this to be somewhat of a trend within my family, and that intrigues me. We're all very strong people it seems, yet we think that we have to carry the weight of the world (and other peoples' drama) on our shoulders. We (well, most of us anyway) tend to put the emotional well-being of others' before our own until it takes its toll on us and then we're forced to realize that we're already doing everything we can and sometimes, that's just not enough. And even if it's not our fault, it's still difficult. That's a hard statement to tell yourself, let alone accept. "What you're doing just isn't enough." Ouch, that hurts. Forgive me for trying to live in denial and forget about it. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying I understand it.

I tend to take on a lot when it comes to this stuff. When I know that someone is going through something, and maybe struggling a little bit, it really weighs heavily on my mind. I want them to know that things are going to be okay - because the usually do. And that things will get better, because they have to. I know what it's like and how easy it is to forget those things when you're all twisted up in something else. But, all I want to do in these situations is help them. Help them remember and help them get over it and to the other side. I like being this person, I've always liked being that person because just knowing that I've helped them, even if it's a little bit, makes it all worth it.

On the other side of things - I sometimes wish that I could emotionally detach myself more often. I invest so much of myself into making other people feel better because it's what I love to do, but I often forget to work on myself in the process. The good thing is that for the first time, I have people that appreciate this quality of mine and at the same time, force me to work on myself. It's a win-win situation for me because I get to do what I love while working on myself at the same time, and I just love it.

I also love my Mom sending me random St. Patrick's Day / Easter packages, because she is adorable. I miss her.

the myth of us.

My case of the blues has finally passed and I'm feeling much better than I was say, a week and a half ago. I still don't know what kick started my downward spiral into pseudo-depression / inner self loathing, but I'm not going to worry about it any more. What's done is done and I have to remember that even if I want to be happy all the time, sometimes it just isn't going to work. I compact too much stuff anyway and the emotions are going to bubble over at one point or another. Whatevs, I've moved on to bigger and better things.

Well, not necessarily. Still in the daily grind, etc. Daylight Savings has really messed up my sleep schedule and that, I don't like. Oh well, I'll get back with it by the end of the week I'm sure and things will be fine.

Grandma sent me a card this week, with a $100 check in it to "buy something nice for my new place." She's adorable. I miss her. I'm feeling really bad pretty much knowing that I won't be able to get back there for Brooke's wedding in August. Actually, I don't know that for sure but as of right now, it's not looking like it's going to be possible. Which is a bummer, but also a relief.

oh & I made these last night:

The recipe is here and let me tell you, they are really really good. And coming from a person (me) who HATES to bake and has never made anything from scratch before, they're pretty simple. And did I mention good? Yeah, I thought so anyway.

he's just not that into you.

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it; the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy. Maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the un-returned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never gave up hope.

somewhere over the rainbow

The weather here is even more imbalanced than I am. Seriously, one second it's as dark as night and poring rain and the next it's nothing but bright blue sky and sun. I want to scream "make up your mind, would you?!" but I secretly love it. Okay, maybe not so secretly because it's what allows one of my most favorite things to occur.


Rainbows.


Yeah, I said it. No shame in my game. I LOVE rainbows. Honestly, since Michigan would just decide on one type of weather and stick with it for long periods of time - I never saw rainbows. And when I did, they really wern't that good. But here? I see them (good ones!) all the time and I love it. I get that whole warm and fuzzy kid-like feeling going on and it makes me feel young. It's good to know that I haven't become so "glass-half-empty" to the point where I can't even enjoy a simple rainbow anymore. Plus, they're just so preeeeetty! And everyone knows how much I enjoy the little, pretty things.

you found me, all I found was you.

Since I've moved, I've lost a lot. I've gained a lot too, but what really gets me is how hard it is to keep up with relationships when I'm so far away. I think I thought that it would be much easier than it is. I find myself using more time MAKING plans to contact people, rather than actually following through with them. The time change is the hardest - knowing when to call and when not to call. I hate having to make plans to call someone, instead of just being able to pick up the phone and call without worrying about what time it is and what they're doing (or not doing) and it's just such a pain. That's why I've grown to rely on email, twitter, blogging and more recently, Facebook.

Facebook, oh dear old Facebook. Really, when it comes down to it - FB is great. It's a great way of staying in touch with people and keeping other people up to date on what you're doing...or in my case; what I'm not doing (working, ha)

Recently (because of Facebook), I've began talking again to someone that I thought was gone from my life. Maybe not for good but, at least for awhile. I had closed that chapter and was starting a new one but they somehow have managed to sneak back in and kind of flip my world around a little bit. And I don't know how I feel about it. I feel good in one way because well, it's always nice to be wanted. To have someone say nice things about you, and make you feel good. But on the other hand, I just don't know. I don't know if it's right to delve into something like this when it's so uncertain. All odds are against it and I personally don't know what exactly to think of it so - it's not necessarily fair. I don't know. Ugh, like I said, my head just doesn't know what to think.


It's funny how life has this way of throwing curveballs. I mean, it's not that I don't expect the unexpected anymore because please believe that I am well aware of how to not ever get completely comfortable with life. It has this way of catching you off-guard, all the time. Some may say that this gives me a pessimistic view on life; I call it realist. Things aren't always going to be fair, go your way or make sense to you - that's just the way that it is. They also aren't on your time, obviously. But at the same time - I choose to believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe that's why this is happening now.

I guess I've just got to look at it that way and allow itself to play out. We'll see how it goes.

as we lie here and let the world fade away

I can't wait to see him live. 21 Days!!

only get closer to the point

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."

- Barack Obama

Those words have really been sticking with me the past couple of weeks. Ever since the inaugaration where I felt hope and possibility for the first time in a long time, it's fired me up in a way that I didn't know I was capable of feeling any longer and it's exciting.

I'm not only seeing changes in myself anymore, which is...unexpected but expected at the same time? I spoke to Derek for the first time in...well, since I've moved at least but I'm pretty sure we hadn't been speaking before then for awhile either yesterday. His call came completely out of the blue and really caught me by surprise. Not that I didn't want to talk to him, but I had kind of let that whole situation go. But once we got on the phone and caught up, it was kind of back to what we used to be and that felt really good. He's been through a lot the past couple months and it's really made him grow up and (gasp!) change. I felt like I was having a conversation with another adult, and I had another person other than my best friend, understanding the change and growth that comes along with life itself. He referenced past conversations that we've had and pointed out that I was right, as I usually am. That I have this way of understanding the situation and thinking about it rationally (ha!) and going about it from there. Those things are always nice to hear because while I can recognize that I may go about situations differently than most others my age, I don't really think it to be different because it's just what I know. How I make myself understand things. Regardless, I'm glad to be talking to him again. I'm glad he's grown up and recognized that while it may be fun, you can't pretend to be a kid forever. It only hurts you in the end.

I feel special sometimes, because of what I've accomplished. People (my age, that I know) tend to point it out moreso than others. Really though, in the scheme of things, I want to tell them that I haven't accomplished all that much but I guess what I have has been big. Maybe I'm just completely unaware. I'm proud of myself, don't get me wrong but there's just much more that I need to do. I'm not done. In fact, I kind of feel like I've only just begun.