It's been one of those nights, no, days really where everything just feels off. No rhythm, no flow, just that constant feeling of edginess like the other shoe is going to drop at any given moment. Over what? I wouldn't have the slightest clue. I don't like this feeling.
After dinner and a hangout session with Bethany in my backyard, I still wasn't feeling any better. Usually I feel much more centered and grounded after just mellowing out and taking some time to breathe but there it stayed, that nagging feeling of discontentment and anxiety. So I did the most logical thing I could in said situation: I cracked open a bottle of wine, grabbed my iPod and headed right back outside.
Now, I have a love/hate relationship with my iPod. I love it more than any person probably should. I'm meticulous about organization and upkeep and playlists (can I get a WHORAH! for OCD? Anyone?) Because, and let me stress this with the upmost importance, music is my life. I need it like most people need air and like a fish needs water and if you've met me, you know this. So, there's the love part. The hate part? Well, I honestly and truly believe that sometimes, my iPod tries to kill me.
NO SERIOUSLY. We all have those songs that trigger something within us. Whether it be a good or bad memory, happy or sad feeling - it just stirs up all these emotions that we didn't know we had or mostly in my case, forgot we had / don't want to remember we had. Anyway, it seems that sometimes my iPod is psychic and senses when I am in certain moods so when I put it on shuffle, it plays the songs accordingly. Well, most of the time it's good but when it's bad...it's just baaaaaad. Couple that with my third glass of Two-Buck Chuck (sidenote: yes, I am cheap. It is also Wine Fest weekend and a roommates birthday so this is just prep for the days to come & this does the trick) and it usually gets ugly pretty quick. So tonight I sat down, shoved the headphones in my ears, took a drink and a breath, said a little prayer and hit play.
Seven minutes and forty seconds.
That's all it took for my mood to dissipate and be replaced by a grin so hard my jaw started to hurt. Seven minutes and forty seconds, and it was all over. I didn't need to continue on my quest to make myself feel better, I didn't need to do anything in fact. My heart and head were put right back in place. It caught me by surprise, I wasn't expecting it but I think those are the times where it's the best. When a song catches you so offguard, it just makes it that much better. Seven minutes and forty seconds.
Needless to say, it was a good iPod night.
Showing posts with label Late-Night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Late-Night. Show all posts
5/20/10
4/14/10
playing the numbers game
It's a funny thing when you feel like the weight of the world (or um, future) is lifted off your shoulders. I guess that would be life as we all know it. Or life as most people know it if their name isn't Allison Kelly.
Wow, stop worrying and the crippling anxiety attacks and sleepless nights and bad feelings go away. WHO IS THE GENIUS THAT THOUGHT THIS UP?
I don't know what did it. What brought on this sudden ability of letting go and deciding that allowing things to fall into place is much easier than toiling over it endlessly for hours at a time. Maybe pure exhaustion, maybe comforting words of a friend, maybe realization of the fact that while I may believe that things are bad - they could be MUCH worse. Whatever it was or is, I am not fighting it in the slightest. In fact, I'm embracing it with wide open arms and the same level of excitement that I would have if Jesus Christ himself appeared and told me that not only was I going to win the lottery tomorrow, I would also wake up with the body of Britney Spears and Mariska Hargitay was going to be my new best friend.
...I'm pretty sure that accurately describes just how accepting I am of this feeling at the moment.
But really, I think it's more of recognizing that things are only as bad as I'm going to make them out to be. That I can sit back and whine, complain and bitch as much as I want but as we've all been told throughout our entire lives...that gets us nowhere. The only action is reaction and that's all I can do. At least, for the time being. My newly adapted snarky, sarcastic and probably borderline satanic behavior is pointless and suggests to people that I'm way worse off than what I really am (as it was brought to my attention today due to my inability to think before speaking or in this case, posting on Facebook. Which I will now refer to as the MECCA of taking things out of context) and that just makes things worse.
Irregardless of ongoing shenannigans, it just feels good to have that AHA! moment where I literally feel the crap that I allowed to build up just drop off like it was nothing. That million pound weight is slowly but surely getting lighter by the minute and it feels amazing.
This is what growing up is like..right?
Wow, stop worrying and the crippling anxiety attacks and sleepless nights and bad feelings go away. WHO IS THE GENIUS THAT THOUGHT THIS UP?
I don't know what did it. What brought on this sudden ability of letting go and deciding that allowing things to fall into place is much easier than toiling over it endlessly for hours at a time. Maybe pure exhaustion, maybe comforting words of a friend, maybe realization of the fact that while I may believe that things are bad - they could be MUCH worse. Whatever it was or is, I am not fighting it in the slightest. In fact, I'm embracing it with wide open arms and the same level of excitement that I would have if Jesus Christ himself appeared and told me that not only was I going to win the lottery tomorrow, I would also wake up with the body of Britney Spears and Mariska Hargitay was going to be my new best friend.
...I'm pretty sure that accurately describes just how accepting I am of this feeling at the moment.
But really, I think it's more of recognizing that things are only as bad as I'm going to make them out to be. That I can sit back and whine, complain and bitch as much as I want but as we've all been told throughout our entire lives...that gets us nowhere. The only action is reaction and that's all I can do. At least, for the time being. My newly adapted snarky, sarcastic and probably borderline satanic behavior is pointless and suggests to people that I'm way worse off than what I really am (as it was brought to my attention today due to my inability to think before speaking or in this case, posting on Facebook. Which I will now refer to as the MECCA of taking things out of context) and that just makes things worse.
Irregardless of ongoing shenannigans, it just feels good to have that AHA! moment where I literally feel the crap that I allowed to build up just drop off like it was nothing. That million pound weight is slowly but surely getting lighter by the minute and it feels amazing.
This is what growing up is like..right?
4/9/10
one is the loneliest number.
I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Battered, beaten and defeated. The sleepless nights subside, only to return just when I think they’re gone and the 3am staring at the ceiling contests are back on, just like they never left. At least I get a break every now and then so I don’t go full on Psycho crazy due to sleep depravation. You’re welcome, everyone I know.
Life is pushing hard and I’m fighting to push back equally, if not harder, which is a struggle since it seems like my opponent is some crazy hybrid of Freddy Krueger, Godzilla, Mike Tyson and Satan all rolled into one. But I’m trying, I really am, it’s just not happening in the way that I would like. Granted, that’s been my problem from day one and it’s gotten better but when it comes to things like this (the words “desperation” and “panic” come to mind) my brain can’t seem to process anything other than OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. FAILURE APPROACHING. COMMENCE FREAKOUT STATUS. thus, bringing me to the irritable, sleepless, overemotional mess that I currently am.
I think the worst part about this, the one thing that’s really getting to me, is that I don’t know how I let it get this bad. I mean, I do but at the same time I don’t. It’s not really just the financial thing (or, lack thereof) that is making me feel this way. It’s the fact that I’ve allowed it to reach this point where I’ve let it consume me so wholly. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in my bones, in my mind all the time. I’ve allowed the anger, frustration, desperation and guilt to harbor and manifest there for so long – it slowly seems to become a part of me. Like a huge blanket of darkness, the frustration bubbles up and the anger spews out and the guilt that I allowed myself to be put in said situation when I’ve known for a long time that it would probably come to this. I don’t want to be a cold, broken, angry person but if we’re keeping score: Life – 100, Allison – 0.
I know what I need to do, and I know that it will happen. I HAVE to believe that something, ANYTHING better will come out of this situation as long as I pursue it with as much as I can muster at this point. Failing is not, nor has it ever been, an option that I’m willing to accept. So, I guess I’ve got that one thing going for me. I suppose I just need to put my head down and get through it, without compensating who I am in the process. This is a battle that I can win. I need to win. I will win. I guess my deeply embedded, over-competitive genetics will come in handy for something in this life.
Life is pushing hard and I’m fighting to push back equally, if not harder, which is a struggle since it seems like my opponent is some crazy hybrid of Freddy Krueger, Godzilla, Mike Tyson and Satan all rolled into one. But I’m trying, I really am, it’s just not happening in the way that I would like. Granted, that’s been my problem from day one and it’s gotten better but when it comes to things like this (the words “desperation” and “panic” come to mind) my brain can’t seem to process anything other than OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. FAILURE APPROACHING. COMMENCE FREAKOUT STATUS. thus, bringing me to the irritable, sleepless, overemotional mess that I currently am.
I think the worst part about this, the one thing that’s really getting to me, is that I don’t know how I let it get this bad. I mean, I do but at the same time I don’t. It’s not really just the financial thing (or, lack thereof) that is making me feel this way. It’s the fact that I’ve allowed it to reach this point where I’ve let it consume me so wholly. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in my bones, in my mind all the time. I’ve allowed the anger, frustration, desperation and guilt to harbor and manifest there for so long – it slowly seems to become a part of me. Like a huge blanket of darkness, the frustration bubbles up and the anger spews out and the guilt that I allowed myself to be put in said situation when I’ve known for a long time that it would probably come to this. I don’t want to be a cold, broken, angry person but if we’re keeping score: Life – 100, Allison – 0.
I know what I need to do, and I know that it will happen. I HAVE to believe that something, ANYTHING better will come out of this situation as long as I pursue it with as much as I can muster at this point. Failing is not, nor has it ever been, an option that I’m willing to accept. So, I guess I’ve got that one thing going for me. I suppose I just need to put my head down and get through it, without compensating who I am in the process. This is a battle that I can win. I need to win. I will win. I guess my deeply embedded, over-competitive genetics will come in handy for something in this life.
3/26/10
eyes half open, glass half full
I'm a creature of habit. Always have been and probably always will be. The more concrete the plan the better and there can never be enough details covered, only too many things left out. I recognize this and realize that this also may make me one of the most boring person to ever walk this earth. However, it also keeps me from going crazy and progressing into a full-blown panic attack 99% of the time so, I take what I can get from the situation.
Needless to say, I'm not a big risk taker. Not in the slightest. I like what I know, I like what's comfortable. I need that, I love it, I thrive on it. No really, if someone so much as changes the perfume they've been wearing, I NOTICE. And have family members that can attest to that randomly, creepy fact.
As...troublesome as it may be sometimes, I firmly believe that it has also helped me develop a trait to my personality that is something that I actually really like about myself. It's made me really sensitive to the people who I interact with and their emotions, and then how I go about reacting to that. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm a professional bullshitter.
Ok, maybe that's a little harsh but really, I'm am damn good at telling people what they want to hear when they want to hear it. It's a gift really, as it has continued to get me out of sticky situation after awkward situation over and over again. I embrace this personality trait like a favorite pair of jeans. Sometimes, it can get ugly but it's what I know and what I'm most comfortable in and wear all the time. (Yeah, actually my wardrobe really is that limited if you were wondering)
SO ANYWAYS - comfortable. That's where I was going with this. These last few weeks have been anything but. My routine has been thrown all to hell and I've been trying to reconcile the damage that has been done there which has led to many sleepless nights here these past couple days. Sleepless nights coupled with incessant pacing throughout my house at 3am to a soundtrack of David Gray none the less. I only wish that I'm kidding about this (the sleepless, pacing thing. not the David Gray thing, that man writes music that makes my hypothetical, probably never going to be born future children weep)
I'm trying, I am really really trying to open my mind and allow my brain to process that THIS IS LIFE. Life is not constant, it never is. I don't know what my whole issue is with it but it just can't seem to penetrate and stick in this so-called brain that I have. This constant, almost crushing anxiety of NOT HAVING a constant variable in my life is getting really old, really quickly. Plus, there's only so many times I can stare at my ceiling and tell myself that I need to clean my fan. And there's only so many times I can see that godforsaken St. Jude Childrens Hospital infomercial and cry my eyes out.
This constant state of stress and panic and apparent COMPLETE AND TOTAL INABILITY TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE is also what is keeping me up now, 1:00am on a Saturday morning and I haven't even been drinking. I'm just hoping that my roommates don't wake up, come out to the kitchen for a drink of water and see this creepy shadow just sitting in the complete darkness on the couch. I guess I just need to affirm to myself that I am trying, I really am. That making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person, or less of the person that I strive to be on a daily basis. It just makes me human and it makes me, me. I just need to convince myself that right now, that is enough.
Needless to say, I'm not a big risk taker. Not in the slightest. I like what I know, I like what's comfortable. I need that, I love it, I thrive on it. No really, if someone so much as changes the perfume they've been wearing, I NOTICE. And have family members that can attest to that randomly, creepy fact.
As...troublesome as it may be sometimes, I firmly believe that it has also helped me develop a trait to my personality that is something that I actually really like about myself. It's made me really sensitive to the people who I interact with and their emotions, and then how I go about reacting to that. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm a professional bullshitter.
Ok, maybe that's a little harsh but really, I'm am damn good at telling people what they want to hear when they want to hear it. It's a gift really, as it has continued to get me out of sticky situation after awkward situation over and over again. I embrace this personality trait like a favorite pair of jeans. Sometimes, it can get ugly but it's what I know and what I'm most comfortable in and wear all the time. (Yeah, actually my wardrobe really is that limited if you were wondering)
SO ANYWAYS - comfortable. That's where I was going with this. These last few weeks have been anything but. My routine has been thrown all to hell and I've been trying to reconcile the damage that has been done there which has led to many sleepless nights here these past couple days. Sleepless nights coupled with incessant pacing throughout my house at 3am to a soundtrack of David Gray none the less. I only wish that I'm kidding about this (the sleepless, pacing thing. not the David Gray thing, that man writes music that makes my hypothetical, probably never going to be born future children weep)
I'm trying, I am really really trying to open my mind and allow my brain to process that THIS IS LIFE. Life is not constant, it never is. I don't know what my whole issue is with it but it just can't seem to penetrate and stick in this so-called brain that I have. This constant, almost crushing anxiety of NOT HAVING a constant variable in my life is getting really old, really quickly. Plus, there's only so many times I can stare at my ceiling and tell myself that I need to clean my fan. And there's only so many times I can see that godforsaken St. Jude Childrens Hospital infomercial and cry my eyes out.
This constant state of stress and panic and apparent COMPLETE AND TOTAL INABILITY TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE is also what is keeping me up now, 1:00am on a Saturday morning and I haven't even been drinking. I'm just hoping that my roommates don't wake up, come out to the kitchen for a drink of water and see this creepy shadow just sitting in the complete darkness on the couch. I guess I just need to affirm to myself that I am trying, I really am. That making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person, or less of the person that I strive to be on a daily basis. It just makes me human and it makes me, me. I just need to convince myself that right now, that is enough.
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