two years.

Dear Allison,

I imagine congratulations is in order here. Two years ago today, you packed up your life, kissed everyone you knew goodbye and boarded a plane with a one way ticket clutched in your hand. I bet you remember that like it was yesterday but guess what? It was TWO YEARS ago. How is that even possible? Well, I hope you’re ready to get a little slap-happy sweetheart because; we’re taking a trip down memory lane. Buckle up.

Do you remember this time last year and how excited you were about this date? If you don’t, let me refresh your memory. Once you start, you know, breathing again, I hope you realize that you were right.

Yes, you were right. You were right. YOU WERE RIGHT. I know how much you love hearing that.

The last year has been a good one, don't go all Debbie Downer and dwell on the not-so-good things that occurred. Yes, this year had its fair share of tearfilled phone calls, sleepless nights, breakdowns and "I don't know how I'm going to do this" moments. There were even some serious moments where you got an up-close and personal experience at being an adult and well, it SUCKED. Making decisions that you never thought you'd have to, accepting assistance when offered, etc. You of course cried your eyes out, refused sleep and toiled over it until you were physically sick but for the most part, those were few and farther between. And you didn't spiral into a complete depression for months when these things arose! Isn't being a grownup fun?!

On the other hand, you've built and maintained some awesome relationships with some of the coolest people in the world. B moved back to town and you pretty much crapped your pants in excitement. You've spent many-a-nights doing nothing but hanging out and being silly. Who else do you know that will let you drag them all around the county looking for Titanic on DVD? All of your cousins moved back to the area and building relationships with them is like a dream come true. Yes, this is even including the fact that most nights you hang out at the Santa Rosa Hacienda with Rory, you wake up the next morning face down on the floor with no recollection of how you got there, while silently thanking God you're not in jail and feeling like your mind just exploded out of your face. You hang out with Megan (typically) every Saturday and it's the highlight of your week. Oh and there's the fact that she gave birth to the one child in this world that you adore more than anything. Maggie, Mags, Magatron. She's so cute, it literally makes you ache and also consider (eventually) having a kid. But then the whole birthing thing comes into play and you laugh at the absurdity. Oh you silly girl. Always full of the jokes!

But the best part? You get to see these people change and grow at a rate that is equal parts unbelievable as it is awesome. Megan became a Mom to Maggie and it is quite literally the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life. Maggie is already 6 months old and it feels like just yesterday you were sitting in the waiting room with everyone else impatiently waiting for her to make her debut. Stacy and Kevin are centrally located on Cloud-9 permanently since Maggie's birth and you're not quite sure if you want to die, throw up or both because it's completely impossible to wrap your mind around the fact that THAT MUCH love can actually exist. Hailie is a senior this year and you couldn't be more proud of her for making the turnaround that she has. You've also resigned to the PTSD-like flashbacks of your own senior year that you get whenever you're in contact with her and her friends except yours include many a-nights spent with your head in the toilet whilst hers don't. That you know of. Or hope they don't. Oh god. Hayden is a TEENAGER. He's taller than you, with a deep voice and armpit hair and can pretty much beat your ass at any given time...and likes to do so often. You'll never admit to it, but he can. He's not the sweet little baby-faced Hay-Haw that you've always known. He's growing up while making you feel older than dirt in the process. Even though all of this just reminds you of your past and how fast the present is blazing by, you can't stop smiling. Just soak it all up now because you'll regret it later if you don't.

However, there is lots of work to be done in conjunction with the next year. You've done a lot. You've learned more in the last 365 days than you probably would've if you attended Harvard yet there's still so much you haven't quite grasped. You're overzealous and way dramatic. And ohmygod are you tightly wound. I honestly don't know how you function 98% of the time. You stress out so horribly over the littlest of things I don't know how you haven't had a stroke at this point. Learn to just CALM YOUR SHIT DOWN AND BREATHE. The world hasn't ended yet, and probably won't in your lifetime (unless you make a mistake and watch "2010" and convince yourself the world is going to end tomorrow. but, don't do that) so just accept that things are what they are. You're going to wake up tomorrow, the sun will be shining and it's just another day.

You're working on all this stuff, I know. And you're much better than you were a year ago. When I say "much better" I mean there hasn't been one 'curled into the fetal position on your bedroom floor weeping and sobbing and retching in the dark' incident. Or the other favorite 'drink two bottles of wine and drunk dial your best friend all the while sobbing and putting her on mute while you heave your guts (and cheap wine) into the toilet' incident. So, kudos to you. However you do know that all of this growth and preparation is going to be put to the ultimate test next month when you return back to Michigan for the first time since you left. Whatever feelings you have towards it now will probably be different when you get there. Or, one can only hope.

Every single thing that you knew a year ago is still true. You're the luckiest sonofabitch in the world. You couldn't have made it yet another year without the support of the people in your life. Your lifeline(s), your backbone. Everything that you think these people are to you, they are that plus about a million. There still will never be enough words in this world to accurately describe how fortunate you are to have them in your life. Never forget that. The capacity of which you are able to love is terrifyingly great. Don't let yourself feel bad about that because it's what makes you, you. While Year 1 was creating a life here and testing yourself, Year 2 was all about LIVING your new life and meshing that with your old. You still love and talk to your parents, they still love and talk to you. You've done a good job.

Now, go out tonight to celebrate and get shamelessly drunk in the only way you know how. Your sober self will take care of you, she always does. However, remember these words: avoid tequila.

Love,
Your proud and not-yet-sloppy-drunk self.

one year (+ one day) later.

yesterday marked my official year anniversary of moving. Of changing, and making quite possibly the biggest and best decision that I've ever made for myself. Of finally following through with something that I WANTED and aspired for. And all within this last year, I've grown by leaps and bounds in just about all aspects of my life. All of which, I know that I've spoken about in great depth and detail many, many times. But there really isn't a way for my to truly, and I mean truly, grasp the concept of how I can be the same person yet so different.

When I sit down and really think about it - reflecting back on everything that's happened is quite a trip. I looked through my (written) journal the other night and there is all was, my life chronicled on paper right before my eyes. I found myself getting teary eyed, then angry, then laughing hysterically (what? I can be funny sometimes) and then teary eyed again. The emotions and thoughts that I had were not things I haven't dealt with before, but the way I wrote about them and digested them and tried to work them out was. And it's laid out completely, like I can physically see myself changing through the tone and structure of how I tried to work everything out. It's quite comical. Maybe one day when I'm feeling sassy, I'll scan some stuff in and people can really get a glimpse of how my brain really works (scary thought).


My thoughts on how or why I was able to accomplish this goal of mine, are quite scattered. Obviously, I went through the steps. First, I was able to do this because I am awesome and much more resiliant than I ever gave myself credit for. While this is true, taking into account all the trials and tribulations that I've gone though, had I just had myself to rely on; I came to the conclusion that I would have waved the white flag a long time ago. Okay, so next possibility. I got LUCKY. I'm talking the kind of luck that's more than just winning the lottery type lucky, I mean more along the lines of suffering a 80MPH head on car collision, getting thrown out the window for not wearing a seatbelt, rolling down a hill hitting every tree on the way and landing facedown in a river yet still surviving type lucky. I think I'm making my point here. While this is more likely than the first possibility and I'd agree with it to an extent, it's not exactly right.

So the third, last, and option that I'm going with is the fact that, I pretty much have the ultimate of ultimates, best of the best, most amazing people in my life. Family, friends, you name it - I got the best of it. Now, this obviously refers to the people I see / talk to on a daily basis but it extends to the people that I don't as well. My parents and friends back in Michigan, my best friend in Arizona, etc. All of them have contributed to my success and growth, in every way, at one point or another. Knowing that I have that, and have had that for quite some time now is a pretty awesome thing. I truly know that had it not been for them, I wouldn't have made it this far nor would I probably have wanted to. At the point where I was in my life, I needed a change and these people were directly responsible for helping me make one. That sole fact is something that I'll never be able to repay them for (not that it's expected) but it's something that is so important to me for them to know. This wasn't all my doing, I've done the labor work sure but they've been my backbone. Without them, I would have crumbled.

Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.
-Chuck Palahniuk

(eta: my new favorite quote.)

So, this year. These past 365 days (well, 366 I guess now) have flown by. I still know that it won't be easy and believe me, I still expect to stumble and fall every now and again but I've got a little weapon now. Whenever that terrible voice of doubt creeps up in my head, all I have to say to it is fuck you, Mr. Doubt! Because I've done this, have been doing this and will continue to do this. Thanks.