eyes half open, glass half full

I'm a creature of habit. Always have been and probably always will be. The more concrete the plan the better and there can never be enough details covered, only too many things left out. I recognize this and realize that this also may make me one of the most boring person to ever walk this earth. However, it also keeps me from going crazy and progressing into a full-blown panic attack 99% of the time so, I take what I can get from the situation.

Needless to say, I'm not a big risk taker. Not in the slightest. I like what I know, I like what's comfortable. I need that, I love it, I thrive on it. No really, if someone so much as changes the perfume they've been wearing, I NOTICE. And have family members that can attest to that randomly, creepy fact.

As...troublesome as it may be sometimes, I firmly believe that it has also helped me develop a trait to my personality that is something that I actually really like about myself. It's made me really sensitive to the people who I interact with and their emotions, and then how I go about reacting to that. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm a professional bullshitter.

Ok, maybe that's a little harsh but really, I'm am damn good at telling people what they want to hear when they want to hear it. It's a gift really, as it has continued to get me out of sticky situation after awkward situation over and over again. I embrace this personality trait like a favorite pair of jeans. Sometimes, it can get ugly but it's what I know and what I'm most comfortable in and wear all the time. (Yeah, actually my wardrobe really is that limited if you were wondering)

SO ANYWAYS - comfortable. That's where I was going with this. These last few weeks have been anything but. My routine has been thrown all to hell and I've been trying to reconcile the damage that has been done there which has led to many sleepless nights here these past couple days. Sleepless nights coupled with incessant pacing throughout my house at 3am to a soundtrack of David Gray none the less. I only wish that I'm kidding about this (the sleepless, pacing thing. not the David Gray thing, that man writes music that makes my hypothetical, probably never going to be born future children weep)

I'm trying, I am really really trying to open my mind and allow my brain to process that THIS IS LIFE. Life is not constant, it never is. I don't know what my whole issue is with it but it just can't seem to penetrate and stick in this so-called brain that I have. This constant, almost crushing anxiety of NOT HAVING a constant variable in my life is getting really old, really quickly. Plus, there's only so many times I can stare at my ceiling and tell myself that I need to clean my fan. And there's only so many times I can see that godforsaken St. Jude Childrens Hospital infomercial and cry my eyes out.

This constant state of stress and panic and apparent COMPLETE AND TOTAL INABILITY TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE is also what is keeping me up now, 1:00am on a Saturday morning and I haven't even been drinking. I'm just hoping that my roommates don't wake up, come out to the kitchen for a drink of water and see this creepy shadow just sitting in the complete darkness on the couch. I guess I just need to affirm to myself that I am trying, I really am. That making mistakes doesn't make me a bad person, or less of the person that I strive to be on a daily basis. It just makes me human and it makes me, me. I just need to convince myself that right now, that is enough.