one is the loneliest number.

I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Battered, beaten and defeated. The sleepless nights subside, only to return just when I think they’re gone and the 3am staring at the ceiling contests are back on, just like they never left. At least I get a break every now and then so I don’t go full on Psycho crazy due to sleep depravation. You’re welcome, everyone I know.

Life is pushing hard and I’m fighting to push back equally, if not harder, which is a struggle since it seems like my opponent is some crazy hybrid of Freddy Krueger, Godzilla, Mike Tyson and Satan all rolled into one. But I’m trying, I really am, it’s just not happening in the way that I would like. Granted, that’s been my problem from day one and it’s gotten better but when it comes to things like this (the words “desperation” and “panic” come to mind) my brain can’t seem to process anything other than OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. FAILURE APPROACHING. COMMENCE FREAKOUT STATUS. thus, bringing me to the irritable, sleepless, overemotional mess that I currently am.

I think the worst part about this, the one thing that’s really getting to me, is that I don’t know how I let it get this bad. I mean, I do but at the same time I don’t. It’s not really just the financial thing (or, lack thereof) that is making me feel this way. It’s the fact that I’ve allowed it to reach this point where I’ve let it consume me so wholly. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, in my bones, in my mind all the time. I’ve allowed the anger, frustration, desperation and guilt to harbor and manifest there for so long – it slowly seems to become a part of me. Like a huge blanket of darkness, the frustration bubbles up and the anger spews out and the guilt that I allowed myself to be put in said situation when I’ve known for a long time that it would probably come to this. I don’t want to be a cold, broken, angry person but if we’re keeping score: Life – 100, Allison – 0.

I know what I need to do, and I know that it will happen. I HAVE to believe that something, ANYTHING better will come out of this situation as long as I pursue it with as much as I can muster at this point. Failing is not, nor has it ever been, an option that I’m willing to accept. So, I guess I’ve got that one thing going for me. I suppose I just need to put my head down and get through it, without compensating who I am in the process. This is a battle that I can win. I need to win. I will win. I guess my deeply embedded, over-competitive genetics will come in handy for something in this life.