Christmas 2009

So, Christmas Eve.

I just need to say out loud, right now, that being able to wear short sleeves and drive with my sunroof open on December 24th without freezing to death will never, EVER, get old. That's all.

We all gathered at the George Ranch for a fun-filled evening of binge-eating and booze and a continuous flow of laughter that never seemed to end. It was just, a great time. I don't know how else to describe it other than in those simple words. Seeing smiles that seemed to be permanently glued to everyone's' faces was completely contagious and just sitting in a room full of people that I care about. There were (or seemed to be) mountains of presents and watching the young(er) kids tear through them is always fun... even when they do seem to take FOREVER.  Regardless, my cheeks still hurt from smiling and laughing when I woke up the next day so I'd have to say it was a success. Next year though, it going to be awesome. Not one, but TWO babies will be in the mix and the cuteness that will come out of that night will probably be enough to make my heart explode. Well, I've at least got a year to prepare for that.

It was easier this year, much easier than last. I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm around people who have the luxury of having their parents around them while I don't, but my family here more than compensates for it. I have to think of it like, at least I have them, these loving and caring people that put up with me regardless of what I do. That helps fill the aching void in my heart as I look over and see others lean against their Mom's for comfort or high-five their Dad's just because they can. It's really tough sometimes. Sometimes it seems unbearable but I think in some weird and twisted way, it makes me appreciate them even more than I already do. Maybe that doesn't sound right or make sense, but I guess that's how I look at it. Or have to look at it. I don't ever expect not being able to see them whenever I want to not bother me, that would be terrible. But I expect that as I get older, it will get easier. Leaving though, I believe will always be just as tough as the last time. That's just the way it all seems to work.

So I guess what I'm saying is that presents are nice. Gifts are great and I'm thankful for everything that I received but I think I'm finally at the point where I can appreciate the togetherness, unity and camaraderie I get just being in the same room as my family. For those few hours, I'm just able to feel pure and unadulterated happiness which could only be made better by my own parents being there. But since that's not (or wasn't a) option this year, it was the best Christmas gift I think I could have ever gotten.

I don't want to do it alone.

I've been pretty stressed out the last week or so. Not being able to fall asleep before 3am isn't my favorite thing. I like my sleep, what can I say?

I may also be in California much sooner than I was planning / anticipating. It's exciting yet frightening at the same time. The only real things holding me back from being completely stoked about it is money and a car. Actually, more car than money. I need a new car before I can really commit to anything and that's had me all twisted up. Though I'm slowly figuring out what I can do to get a car, which includes probably taking out a loan to pay for it. I wasn't freaking out so much about it before because I figured that I had the time (a year) to figure it out but an opportunity has been brought to me that's just too good to resist Luckily, I've got people who are going to help me figure it out which is a huge relief. This whole "being adult" thing is much harder than people make it out to be. As it is now, I hope that I can get a loan and get one. After that, it should be smooth sailing and I'll finally be happy.

I talked with my Mom about it earlier and she seems to think the same. I explained the situation and she kind of talked some sense into me about it or really, told me what I was already thinking which was just reassuring that I would be making the right decision and that things will fall into place. It's just taking that one big step that's the hardest. Words really can't express how happy I am that she's so completely behind me in my decisions. Regardless of whether she (or anyone for that matter) agrees with me or not, I'm doing this for me. It's just nice to not feel like I'm going at it alone. But that's something that I think most of us strive for in life anyway. It's funny that throughout my entire life, I've always been supported but not like this and now when I'm making this huge decision to completely uproot my life and move 2,500 miles away from my friends and family; it's the most supportive they've ever been. At least, that's the way that I feel about it. I just hope that my dad feels the same way once I tell him.

oh and I'm getting $800 back from taxes this year. that always helps.

life.

I ended up changing my flight on Thursday so I left on Sunday night instead. The extra 3 days wasn't much but was enough to make it feel like a "real" vacation. Unfortch, it didn't make it any easier to leave. I ended up crying in the airport, and on the flight and all day Monday when I got back. I don't sleep very well on flights so when I touched down in Detroit at 6:30 in the morning, I was exhausted. I got home at about 8:30 went right to sleep and had to get up and go to work from 2-8. Needless to say, Monday was a rough day. I just couldn't stop crying. I'm sure that it was me being just so overly exhausted coupled with the fact that I was just so bummed out about leaving, it just wasn't good.

I have however, began to formulate my plan that will allow me to move within the next year. I'm planning on dropping my classes for this semester and start working 40+ hours a week which I know will make me hate my life more than ever before but my main concern is making as much money as I can within the next year. I haven't told anyone of my plan to drop my classes yet because I know that it will cause a major freakout amongst my family (more my Dad than my Mom) but more so of the fact that by me not going to school = no health insurance coverage for me. God forbid something were to happen to me but, I think that it's something that needs to be done right now. I'm just not feeling school and really, the credits won't transfer to California when/if I decide to go to school out there thus me going now is essentially wasting money. I'm going to break this to my Dad this weekend and to my Mom...probably around the same time. It's not really going to be a big shocker to them (or, it shouldn't be really) I've talked about moving out there ever since my trip out there before this most recent one. I was going to actually go through with it the summer I graduated but then the whole divorce scenario went down and it just wasn't the right time. I think now, I've figured out that regardless of where I am, my family will be okay and life will go on. It's just time that I did what I want to do to better myself for a change instead of putting others ahead of me and making sure that they are alright. That's my reasoning anyway.

So really, my life for the next 11 months will consist of working as much as possible and sleeping. If this means that I have to try and get another job (which is way easier said than done in this shitty economic state of which I live in) then that's what is going to have to happen. Hopefully that will make the time go by faster because right now, a year sounds like it's a million years away.The Spice Girls concert is next month and then I'm hoping on visiting the best friend for spring break in April and a return trip to California at the end of May for my cousin Ryan's wedding. These next 6 months are looking to be busy, which is a very good thing. The only thing that would make it better would be for me to win the lottery and never have to work again but since I don't forsee that happening in the near future, working my ass off it is.

ps:

California, I miss you.