I Don't Know.

“What do you think would’ve happened if you hadn’t left?”

This question (in all of its many variations) is the worst. The absolute, hands down worst and my skin itches in irritation whenever it’s asked. And I get it – a lot.

It takes every fiber of my being to not stand up and shout “I DON’T KNOW!”

Because, when it comes down to it, I think the only true answer is “I don’t know.” No one knows what would’ve happened or where they would’ve ended up if at that one defining moment in your life – you picked left instead of right. Stayed instead of left.

To me, at this moment, life is just many of those “defining” moments strung together into something that we must weave and follow that makes sense to us.  We’re always searching, always scrambling to find meaning in the everyday decisions we all make in order to satiate this deeply dwelling desire to believe that we’ve made the right choice. That we are the dictators of our actions and that we harness the control to our destiny.  

I don’t know if I believe that any more.

I don’t know if I ever really did, but putting a bow on a cute little package sure makes it more appealing, right?

If I sit down and think about it – as I did last night – I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know. Idon’tknow I DON’T KNOW. Why does anyone leave? To get away. For a fresh start. To spread their wings and fly. I would say yes, to all of the above. Because right here and now, 7 years later, I can whole heartedly say that a fresh start was something that I knew I needed – I just didn’t know how badly. I didn’t know that it would probably end up being the one thing that saved my life. It was an opportunity to start over in a place where I was unknown and that feeling, while incredibly terrifying, was also exhilarating.

We all make choices, every day. That is one of the universal truths, without a doubt. We choose what time to get up and what we’ll wear and where we work and how we spend our time. Every. Single. Day. And these are the easy things – the things that we don’t necessarily label as choices but freedoms and that is great and wonderful but those are small-picture things. The big picture things bob and float in the gigantic Sea of Unknown until we are able to capture it and reel them back in and that isn’t dictated by choice, you see. We all know that if we were able to choose, everything wouldn’t be this goddamn messy or difficult. This is luck and circumstance and being in the right place at the right time. This is you, waiting it out until the right moment comes along and propels you forward.

Right now, at this moment, I still don’t know. I can assume and imagine the other potential outcomes that might have been but “I don’t know” fits me best right now. Mostly because at this point, we have to believe that we are more than our past and our pain. We are more than the choices we make that “define” who we are.  I’m okay with that, and I wish other people could be too.