on faith, or lack thereof.

There is an air of mystery to faith...

I started in a note, not too long ago. With a pen cap pursed between my lips and fingers gripping my favorite writing utensil ever so gently.

That fragment of a sentence unearths something within me because faith, and I mean honest to goodness fall to your knees faith, is like jumping into a murky pool of unknown depth. Just the sight of those words makes me involuntarily inhale a deep breath in preparation of breaking the glassy surface. Yet there they were, in my own script and wet ink that would still smudge to the touch.

Since you know, they say the first leap is the hardest, just like the first cut is the deepest and so on and so forth.

faith (n): 1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust

I sit back at a comfortable distance and watch people these days. I watch them succeed and fail and give in to re-establishing their own personal and customized version of faith and realize that there is just so much beauty in the attempt. In the extremely brave choice of the 1,2,3 and let go. I watch them and marvel at it all, and the pride swells within the small space of my chest until it physically hurts.

I think about this notion a lot. Mostly because it breeds this unsettling awareness of myself because I can't, or won't, indulge in that specific territory of the unknown. So on my bad days, the "I'm feeling lost and down and just a little more than blue" days, I think about the people. The ones I know and the ones I don't and all of the unknown forces that are working for or against them. And how it seems so effortless to kneel at the feet and give themselves over to the powers that be. It would make sense that carrying the seemingly crushing weight would allow for an easy submission. That before you know it, your knees bow, the decision has been made, you're still alive and breathing and the sun will in fact rise tomorrow.

If there's one thing I've come to understand, it's that this, is not easy. The journey to faith, having it or lack thereof, is one of the most isolating things I've ever known. There are no words to be spoken or written because sometimes all the words are the wrong words and there is nothing else left to be done. Which then begs the question - what are we, the people who have yet to muster that complete trust in themselves, to do in the time being?

I put my trust in that the journey isn't over just yet. Though it moves in mere inches and time increments that seem like infinities, they will eventually give way to the bigger and better picture. I have to believe that. It's okay to trust the judgement of your elders, for they are more worldly and knowledgeable than you. Allow these lessons to take up a small space inside, carefully. Because while knowledge is by far and away one of the most powerful tools to be given, it isn't allowed to consume you. Not yet.

And, exhale.