23

I'm 23 today.

It's such an in-between age, don't you think? I mean, am I officially coming into the cusp of my mid-twenties, or does that not happen until next year? Which then seems silly because you're closer to actually being a mid-twenty as opposed to just being in your mid-twenties.

Yeah, that's kind of how my brain has been lately. I apologize.

I wasn't looking forward to today, at all actually. I have some of the biggest issues when it comes to aging and getting older - most of which I can't quite narrow down exactly why. The only thing that slips into my mind is that I used to write birthday letters to myself on this day, every year. Giving myself goals and ideas to accomplish over the course of the next year, you know, to really justify my existence apparently. I couldn't just have another year of life, it had to MEAN SOMETHING and I had to BETTER MYSELF and CHANGE THE WORLD and then on top of everything else, CURE FUCKING CANCER.

For a long time, and even a little still now, the first thought I had when I would wake up was to call my parents and apologize for not being enough. I was never the best student, best athlete, best daughter, best sister, best anything really. This is a weight that I've carried for god knows how long and yet, with time, has yet to completely alleviate itself. Another birthday was a reminder of yet another year that I disappointed everyone around me because I just was not enough. It's still a constant battle for me, one that I struggle with consistently and it's really not anyone elses' doing but my own. But this is the first time, in a long time, that I opened up my eyes this morning not feeling like I owed them some huge apology for being their oldest daughter that's just still kind of, finding her way through this life. While many people my age (ahem, in their mid-twenties) may have a career, family, etc, I don't. And my parents don't (and never have, exactly) pushed it. They've accepted me for who I am, go along with (most) of my decisions and just kind of deal with it. I don't know how, but they do and waking up today as a twenty-three year old with that sudden strike of clarity was downright amazing. It's about time, no?

Looking back, it's no wonder I don't enjoy my birthday all that much. It's not that I don't believe in using your day as a way to maybe, try and start directing your life in a way that you want it to go but it's not a time to beat yourself down and submerse yourself in all the things you considered you failed at over the course of the past year. It's also not because I don't think you should dream big, or aim high, or whatever else you want to call it. Go on, achieve it. If you set your mind to it, you can do it! Blah blah blah. But in my case, I focus so much on what I fail to do, it completely outweighs any and all of the actual good things I've done. Stuff that maybe, didn't quite make the original birthday letter but still good none-the-less.

With that being said, I'm done with those letters for awhile.

So, back to today. My Twenty-Third. A great friend gifted me with a new copy of "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" this morning and I found myself struggling not to cry. Between those brilliant illustrations and simple, powerful words, it just strikes a chord with my soul. Every single time. I've read it so many times in my life, I've known it by heart for years now, but I'm so thankful she chose that book of all things to give to me this year. However, when I opened it to read, it wasn't just the all too familiar words that tore at my soul this time. It's what she chose to inscribe on the inside that got me.

"Success = personal happiness + meaningful relationships = you are super-duper successful!!"

I think I'm going to try and take those words to heart this year, extra exclamation points included.