i'm just a shadow of your thoughts of me.

I can feel it. I can sense it. The dark cloud hovering, the terrible storm brewing ahead. The weight in my mind, my body and my bones threatens to crash down on me. I could write about how easily I allow it to consume me completely, wholly. That's the easy part, you know. Allowing it to sink in and build a home so deep within, it feels like it will never leave. All the things I would say, could say or should say are buried so deep down that it's easy to forget the good parts even exist anymore. All the things that I know to be true and right don't seem to be able to hold up to this invisible force of despair that threatens to take hold and never let go. Like clockwork, it comes.

The anxiety, the nerves, the racing of my heart, the feeling of loss of all control. The tailspin or the spiral, as I like to call it, it's there. Teetering on the edge all the while taunting and throwing every obstacle known to man in my way. Anything to knock me off course and fall flat on my face. It's a never ending game, this tailspin. One I'm ashamed to admit that I've allowed to win more often than not. But not without a fight, I'll have you know. Not without a knockdown, drag out, kicking and screaming fight. It's not until I'm completely exhausted that I go down.

However sometimes, it just gets to be too much to bear. There are days where even the thought of attempting to get out of bed is too exhausting, too much effort. Carrying the crushing weight of everything going on manifests into something that I'm not equipped to handle completely on my own. The monotonous schedule of life depresses me and it's just easier to curl up in a ball and exhaust myself crying over it. The sleepless nights where it just won't end. Those are the times when it's terrifying, the hopelessness of it all as if I've failed somewhere in life and it will never get better than what it is now. It's hard to be alone when it's like that. I'm not safe in my own mind.

But then in one way or another, I'm reminded of the good things in life. The activities or the moments where things are said (or not said) and my heart is able to settle down with contentment. The calming effect of just being near people I care about who somehow, in someway, always know exactly the right thing to say or do when I need it most. Soothing. Stepping up and just being there is more than enough to jolt me back to reality, even if its for a few fleeting moments, where it's sudden clarity and I can recognize that everything is going to be alright. The simple act of being in the same proximity as them serves as a reminder that this too will pass. The anxiety and the heaviness subside, leaving me with the recognizable parts of myself which I know are good and are worth fighting for.

I'm learning that everyday is not going to be sunny. It's okay to stumble and to fall and to pick yourself up only to repeat the cycle that is life. I'm starting to get that, understand it, and accept it even. Life is a test, and it can be cruel sometimes. But as long as I'm reminded that I don't have to journey down this road alone, I think I can manage the darkness that's ever looming. I can work my way through the clouds and back into the light that I know is there.

And the days where I really don't feel like being Mary-fucking-Sunshine 24/7? That's okay too. I always promise to alert people ahead of time. Consider that a fair warning.