a message.

I consider myself lucky for most of my life. I grew up with luxuries and opportunities that some kids just don't get.  I've never felt great tragedy, loss or anything of the sort. Twenty-two years, I remained unscathed and unaffected by that type of grief or fear.

My Dad had a heart attack on Wednesday morning. He's fine though, and doing well. Hospital and all that, so he's now resting. But I can honest to god say that I have never IN MY LIFE been so scared. Never in my life have a I felt so... out of control and completely helpless. Literally, my world came to a screeching halt. I'm pretty sure I even stopped breathing because I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up at the exact same time. Once that passed, the tears came (at a minimum as I was, of course, at work and I had to keep some sort of composure) and then when that passed, anger because I'm not there and frustration because I can't be.

All I want to do is hug my Dad, be near him and feel him. Be able to tell him that everything is ok and will be ok. But obviously, given the circumstances, that is not able to be done and it's eating me alive. I'm really trying, trying just so hard to remind myself that he is okay, and that worrying myself to death about something that I just can't control is pointless. But I can't shake this feeling. I can't shake this terrible feeling that now, I've had to face the fact that my Dad will eventually die. One day. Not any time in the near future (I hope) but eventually. And while that sounds really silly to say out loud because obviously everyone dies, I can't imagine feeling like I did for those few seconds but having that last for a LIFETIME. That darkness, and despair and hole that magically appeared at the mere thought of never being able to see him again. I just, don't ever ever ever want to feel like that again. Ever.

So, I'm slowly picking up the pieces. Trying to get everything right and in order again. But it's hard, really hard. Especially when I'm so far away but, I'll deal with it. Always do.