the silence is deafening

This 100+ degree weather is starting to get to me. I sit outside and feel the sweat pool around my temples and resonate on every exposed part of my body and it's just another weight that I need to deal with. I wish that I could sweat out all the emotions and feelings that seem to have piled up within the last three months, but no matter what, they stay.

This past summer has been particularly rough one on me. I'm not one to play the pity card by any means but, it has. From June and the catastrophic visit with my Dad, dragging through into July with other unexpected events and into this month where it's finally mellowed out, I'm still at the point as to where i'm expecting the other shoe to drop at any time. I hate feeling this way. Karma has its way of catching up, that's for sure. I keep this bottled up because in some way, I know that it will right itself. But I'm sick of waiting. I'm tired of the indecisive and inconclusive and the monotonous routine that I've brought on myself.

I've been being kind of hard on me lately - just with everything. & with every new engagement announcement, pregnancy shock and talks of graduation I can't help but feel left behind. Do I want to be married and/or have a baby on the way right now? NO. But the realization that people that I grew up with, people that I KNOW are getting married and having babies cause me to, for a fleeting moment, grow completely enveloped with jealousy. I'm jealous of what they are building. Going on to bigger and better things while my moment seems to have passed. My moment of independence is passed and now, I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no direction, with no inkling of which way to go. I wish I would have a moment where, much like I did when I decided to move, it just all becomes clear and I can see my path from that point on. I know that I'm the only one that makes those choices and decisions but I seem to have lost that spark, that ability to look something in the face and tackle it without question. But the future seems to hold so many more unanswered questions, it escalates the fear to a whole different level that I can't seem to grasp. I hate it. I hate being scared. I want to be strong. I want to find that part of me that I know is tucked away inside somewhere and pull her out. I can't make these decisions on my own. I need that guidance. Come on self, do me a solid and stop hiding.

I want to feel like the world is right again. Like I'm not teetering the edge of failure. I need a sign that everything is going to be okay.