it's been a long day.

Some things never change.

I don't know why I have such a hard time grasping that concept sometimes, I truly don't. It's one of the least complex things in the world yet I fight it, tooth and nail, most of the time. Call it naivety or denial or whatever else but it's just what I do. And of course, this is something I don't realize until AFTER the fact, after everything has been said and done and the dust is beginning to settle - I have the cliched moment of clarity and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

"You've changed"

It's not that I don't know that. I can see it in myself and I swear to god, if one more person says it to me, my head might just spin around Exorcist style and I'll projectile vomit all over the place. It's just the truth. I have. I've acknowledged it, accepted it, even grown to love it like a fabulous pair of Louboutins but sometimes I realize it and I just freak out. More-so when I'm put into situations that I feel completely out of control (or uncomfortable) in and I revert back to the old shell of a person that I once was...or for those following the Louboutin analogy, going from those to a pair of knockoffs from Payless. They may get the job done for the time being, but we all know that they'll fall apart probably sooner rather than later. Plus you'll more than likely end up with blisters / burned feet. And that's exactly what happened.

My Dad's visit. Came and went and...it was, well, enlightening. I freaked out. I felt completely torn and uncomfortable in my own skin and I just, didn't take to it very well. Which then, after 5 days of course blew up like fucking Hiroshima Part 2. Right in my face. Everything was laid out, no card left unturned nor no word left unsaid. This was HUGE.

Skipping the complete and total "Days of Our Lives" melodramatic version (of which, I am absolutely exhausted from talking about) it was just, hard. Quite possibly, the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in my entire life. It was so foreign and uncomfortable for me to be so open with him that I quite literally, was on the verge of spweing up my entire crunchy roll and Sappuro as I was trying to convey to him just exactly how I was feeling and have been feeling for the past 3 years. Then at the same time I was trying to word it in a way as to not completely and totally demolish his feelings because contrary to popular belief, I really don't like doing that. Not on purpose, or to my Dad anyways. But whatever, so I'm there, spilling my heart, soul and tears over my crunchy roll in the middle of a packed restaurant, looking like a complete and total idiot and...in all reality, it gets me no where. I mean, he was listening but, not. When things got too serious, he'd crack a joke. Or he'd deflect and totally change the subject. Like, yeah Dad I'm happy that you're proud of me because I'm proud of me but OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EARS FOR TWO SECONDS AND HEAR ME OUT. But whatever, he knows how I feel toward him, toward CB and the most important being that he knows that his and my relationship is comepletely seperate from his and hers. He may not like it, but that's the way it needs to be for me right now.

Of course afterwards, because the end of our conversation was so memorable and gutting, I reacted like..well, lets just say I could have won an Oscar for my performance. But, it wouldn't have been a performance as it would have been real because trust, it was SO REAL. I could do nothing but cry. Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. And I did that for about, 3 days straight. After they left the next morning (which, is a whole different story and just, not worth telling other than the fact that I experienced my first earthquake that morning too which by the way is 1. NOT FUN and 2. a sick joke from God) I was BROKEN. Completely and utterly, non-shamelessly broken. Gutted. Everything on this planet. And it went on this way for about a week, all crying and no sleeping. Sucks ass let me tell you.

But, it's done. I'm moving on. Our relationship is not irrecivably broken by any means. The door is there, the door is open. But I need that type of understanding to come from his side. I'm an adult, lets handle this in the adult way. We've passed the point of "I told you so" reasonings and have moved on to bigger and better things, and that's all I want. I want a relationship with him and he knows that. Even more so, I love him and always will. He just needs to get his crap together, that's all.

There were tons of other stories that happened and I just, would rather forget. And I apologized for his trip ending the way that it did because it was not my intention for it to go this way (in fact, wasn't my intention for this to happen at all, but that's another story for a rainy day) but I can't say that I regret that it did. It needed to. 3 years in the making, and there it was. I speak in past tense because it is what it is now, just done and over with. Now can we just move on? I'm still working through the feelings I have but it's just the process. Thank god I have the people I do to keep my head on straight. It's not like I already don't know what they're telling me but it's nice having different perspectives and just, hearing it from someone else that my feelings are valid and that I shouldn't be sorry for expressing them. I'm beginning to accept that changed part of me much easier now, and I like it.