the post in which I have an epiphany.

So, a little-known fun fact about me: I can be extremely stubborn. Hardheaded, irrational, ridiculous. As well as egotistical, prideful and well, “independent”. I airquote the word because as often as I say that’s what I am and though I do believe that I am, to some degree, I’m actually not.

Did that make any sense? Well, WELCOME TO THE INNERWORKINGS OF MY MIND. I don’t get it either.

Let me back this up. Ever since I moved, I’ve developed this hardcore “I’m on my own and I need to do this by myself” independent streak. As the time goes on, this attitude does not waver. It makes perfect sense to me considering it was my choice to move and do this so asking for help from anyone is not an option to me. Well, let me rephrase, it’s not my FIRST option. It’s my very last go-to when I need something and when I say “very last” I truly mean that I’ve sold what I can of my belongings, lived off of Top Ramen and probably even donated blood for money in order to avoid the phone call or email to one or both of my parents asking for something. No, seriously.

I also recognize that I am probably not the only person that does this. I’m just one that emotionally berates herself over it for days prior to and weeks thereafter… giving me yet another great personality trait to deal with. And I wonder why no one wants to hang out with me?

So, I hate being offered help. In any way really, but monetarily, it kicks my ass. I equate it to me being irresponsible and having the person offering see me as being weak. I appreciate any and all consideration of my well-being of course, but I hate…and I mean HATE…that people even think that they need to consider helping me. It feels like an inner failure so I rehash and mull over the situation until I can no longer deal with it. It’s not fun, not at all.

I’m very aware that I need to get over this. Not only is it, quite frankly, stupid but the equation does not mean Help + Allison = Fail and I’m borderline special needs when it comes to anything math related . I figure it means that I did SOMETHING right in my present (or, past?) life and people that I know don’t want to see me fail. Holy crap, they’re actually on my side? Whoa. People actually want to help me without expecting me to get on my knees and grovel or sell my soul? NO WAY. I must have been a pretty awesome person in my past life to deserve to have all these amazing people around me now. Friends, family especially. I’m so fortunate for each and every one of them, even when they do make me cry for hours because I don't understand how they can like me so much.

Whatever. I’m totally having a martini with the man upstairs once I get there. Extra dirty, three olives. My treat.