better than a cheerio.

I don’t take compliments well.

I’ll be the first person to admit it, forever and always. It’s just not in my mind to accept someone consciously pointing out the better parts of my “wonderous being of light and splendor” –esque type personality. I get flustered and silly, yet always manage to stutter out a “thank you” at least… Mama did raise me right and all. It makes for a little uncomfortable scenario that I still have not quite figured out how to deal with in these twenty-some odd years of my life.

I’m not trying to be self deprecating when it comes to these things. I’m not depressed, I don’t have an issue with self-esteem it’s just NOT SOMETHING MY BRAIN IS EQUIPPED TO HANDLE… amongst many other things, of course. I can dish out the compliments to other people all day, yet when it comes back to me, it’s something different. One might say “if you can’t take the heat, then stay out of the kitchen” but I don’t think that’s applicable when the words out of my mouth are along the lines of “Your ass looks GREAT in those jeans” or “Those are the fiercest shoes I’ve ever seen” or I can sometimes even come up with something that doesn’t refer to clothing items or body parts. Believe me, it’s happened.

So with all that has been going on with me lately, it’s not like the compliments have been pouring in. It’s been more like, a mental smack-down going on in my head producing a withdrawn self and newly apparent devotion to Satan. However, now that I’ve gotten that lovely part of my wonderful personality subdued and under control, it’s like I’m back out in the real world now. And still just as sensitive as ever, awesome.

And flashback to last night, where I sat in the former dining room of the George household across from one of the greatest people I know as I haphazardly tried to explain what has been going on in my head these last few weeks while she tried to understand and tell me what I needed to hear (one of the many things I know I can count on her for). But at a certain point, these words that seemed to spill out of her mouth, about me, were unbelievably kind and sweet. I mean in the “make my eyes well up, throat constricts and heart hurt in a good way” words that she seemed to honestly believe. And by her being so earnest, I think I actually started to believe them myself.

It wasn’t until the tail end of our conversation that I really got it though. As we were finishing up, she said “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I see more value in you than you see in yourself.”

……………..

How does one respond to that? Not because I took it in the wrong way (she made sure of it) but really, what's the appropriate action when someone essentially says that they believe in you, they see more good in you than you do. That despite the fact that I find myself incredibly flawed and complex and downright insane for the most part, the good is still there even when I don’t recognize it. I just felt like it was that straight up "I've got your back" type love and it was just a lot to process all at once – those words, fighting back tears and relief while trying to keep my heart from growing exponentially and spontaneously combusting straight up from my chest and out my mouth. I try and save that type of Kodak moment for times where tequila is involved.

So if anyone needs a pep-talk, and I'm talking the type of one that you leave feeling like you can walk on water, lift mack-trucks straight up off the ground or channel your inner Jesus and part the goddamn sea, boy do I have a person you need to meet. Though she might charge you by the hour, it's so totally worth it.