how the light gets in

The point of it. She said, a statement.

The point of it? I repeated, a question.

Do you realize that it sounds like you’re asking for permission to speak? She declared with words not coated in barbs yet not exactly covered in sugar either.

I laughed, one of those childish immature giggles that are typically reserved for moments when children see their reflections for the first time. I laughed out of nervousness, vulnerability and pure coincidence – as if there is such a thing.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard that… as I began to divulge the most recent occurrence wherein one of my (many) flaws were pointed out.

…and it won’t be the last she declared.

***

I’ve always had a problem articulating; using words to describe my emotions and so on and so forth. I used to describe this as getting jammed up. The words are there in my head but somehow fail to make the transition from brain to mouth.  Jammed. Stuck. Cannot compute.

I cannot begin to recount all of the times I’ve trailed off in the middle of a conversation, mid sentence with my mind full of thoughts but the only ones heard whispered  the loudest.

Shut up, it doesn’t matter. Shut up, you’re not making sense. Shut up, they’ll think you’re crazy. Shut up, you’re doing it wrong.

***

“…shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?”

 

This ignited something in me.  Could it really be this simple? Can something so complex and enveloping be boiled down to three words? Fear. Of. Disconnection.

The short answer in my case is yes. Absolutely yes. Astoundingly yes. The years and years of self-shaming my thoughts and feelings as being inadequate and devalued have programmed me to terminate any and all scenarios and conversations where vulnerability sits at the forefront. 

This is not news to me. But the acceptance of it is.

Acceptance is a small quiet room.*

***

I’ve been thinking…I said shakily, unnerved by the thought of what I was about to say sounding completely idiotic.

There’s this quote I remembered recently, something about light and dark and one not being able to exist without the other…

The silent head nod was all the permission I needed to continue. Access granted.

If light can’t exist without dark, then happiness can’t exist without sadness. A truly fulfilled life must have both of these things, in balance, but sadness is what shapes who we are.  Sadness is the cracks in our foundation because nothing is perfect and nothing can get through this life unscathed…

Another head nod, and smile.

There is a crack in everything…she started.

…that’s how the light gets in, I finished.

*the infallible Dear Sugar aka: Cheryl Strayed