my life is like a mixture of america's most wanted and cops.

I don’t know how I manage to consistently get myself into the most awkward, terrifying and just flat out WEIRD situations. What. The. Fuck. Self? It’s either the affinity I have for police procedural shows catching up with me (but if that’s the case, then I really need to never watch Lockup: Raw EVER again) or I have some subconscious death wish.

First it was almost being abducted back in the Fall… long story short: car broke down at a park-and-ride the night before, me = stupid and went early the next morning BY MYSELF to check it out, approached by some seriously shady dude who cornered me and proceeded to tell me that he saw me there the night before, saved by S who just happened to be driving by that early in the morning and spotted me before I was probably held at gun-point and forced into the creepy child-molester van he was driving. Yeah, talk about scariest thing to think about EVER. It was totally one of those moments where I didn’t think of anything being wrong until it was too late and then there was nothing I could do. Or, nothing I could think to do. Tears totally ensued after the realization of what I had just been saved from hit me like a truck. NOT FUN.

And I still won’t stop at that Park and Ride ever again in my life. True story.

Everything’s been pretty mellow since that incident. Meaning my life hasn’t been threatened in any way. So last night at about 7:30, I stop at the somewhat sketchy corner store by my house. I know I’m admitting it to being sketchy now, but I go there all the time and have never had any issues, plus the guys that work there are pretty nice. Even though I’m a little convinced that they may-or-may-not deal drugs out of there. MOVING ON.

So, I’m inside. Standing there waiting just minding my own business and then I hear it. Raised voices turn into yelling which then turns into full on SCA-REEEEEEAMING. Not like, blood-curdling murder screaming or anything but you know the way that guys scream? Trying to get their point across, yelling but to a louder decibel? Yeah, that. And of course, OF COURSE, I am the only other person in the store so I’m looking around in a WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON fashion because I’m convinced there’s going to be a brawl and I am in a white dress and flip flops – aka: NOT IN APPROPRIATE ATTIRE TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.

The owner then comes out of nowhere with this greasy looking man in what looked to be a headlock and is charging toward the front, doing the whole man-yelling thing. I’m still standing there in shock and awe willing my feet to move but that would be a joke. And then. AND THEN. The owner walks over to the doors, the only ones in and out of the store, and pulls these big, white metal gates together and locks them.

Um.

UM.

UM UM UM.

HELLO I AM STILL STANDING RIGHT HERE. I WANT OUT. LET ME OUT.

I still don’t know what’s going on at this point. I don’t know if this guy is crazy, has a gun, is trying to rob the store, ANYTHING. I do not know. It's about this time that I think the realization of what was happening finally hit me and I started to dissolve into tears OUT OF PURE TERROR. However, before shit really got real and I had a full on breakdown, I see a cop car arrive. One. Singular.

Oh, Paso Robles finest. I've never been so happy to see you in my life (ps: I still hate you, and I want that $400 back that I had to pay in January for something that I DIDN'T DO.)

Anyway, cops show up. I'm standing like a deer in the headlights just staring in complete panic and terror, fighting the urge to tounge-kiss these officers because I'm so happy they're there. Turns out? The guy in question was TRYING TO STEAL. What? I have no clue. Probably a Snickers or something, I don't know but I sure as hell wasn't sticking around to find out.

...but not without buying what I stopped there originally to get, of course.

As I'm you know, pale-faced and shaking like a leaf due to the sudden burst of adrenaline coursing through my body, paid for my stuff and walking out - the kid behind the counter goes: "We'll see you in a couple days?"

Yes, yes sir. You probably will. I'll just be bringing pepper spray, a knife and my shotgun next time.