looking for some hope, I polished off the whiskey tonight.

It was a great weekend. Just one really, really great weekend. a lot of discussion and exploring, infused by a ton of booze (but really, is anything else expected now?) but just in general; a fun and much-needed distraction from all of the other stuff going on inside my head as of lately.

Saturday night, I was presented with a question. Something that I've thought about on occasion but have never really digested I guess. In the booze filled night that it was, I was asked - "How do you like living here?"

With as many times as I've been asked that since I have been here, I've developed a quick answer to deter people from wanting me to elaborate. Not because I don't want to talk about it, it's just because I think that when I say anything more than "I love it.", it tends to - I don't know - complicate things? Well, it all makes sense in my head, but trying to put it into a way that I can explain it to others not in my head complicates things. So out of habit, I fired off the same answer I usually do to deflect. But in this case, it was followed by a question that I don't think that I've ever been asked - "...so, no regrets?"

It took me a minute actually, to let it register (I semi-blame the margaritas and many glasses of wine that were swimming their way through my blood stream at this point) but when it did, I honestly wasn't sure what to say. Not because I have regrets, because I don't. But more so because no one has asked me before, and I didn't want to sound like an idiot. It took its time slowly sinking it, kind of just washing over my (already fairly slow) brain. And I was left with not much to say other than what I initially thought. So, that's what I said. The truth, and nothing but the truth.

In all honesty, I don't think that what I've done is that huge of a deal. Not to downplay it or anything but people have been doing it for way longer. I look at it this way - there was nothing left for me where I was. Other than the people that I knew there, nothing tied me there. I was stuck in a state of just existence - not growing, not learning, not doing much of anything. I knew there was a place out there that I've always felt a connection with since first visiting and I knew there were people there that could understand that. So, I made the decision to move. Not to say that it wasn't hard, isn't hard and won't be hard because I fully expect it to be still. I think once I try and convince myself otherwise is when the real problems will arise. So, I'm sticking with that and moving forward. Thus, I get kind of embarrassed when I talk to people about it because like I said, it's just not something that epic to me. I guess, if I had been asked that question a couple months ago, I may or may not have said something different. But not once have I ever, even for a second, regretted or even second guessed my decision to do what I did. I got lucky, I really did. I said that too, when talking about me not regretting anything. Because I really, truly believe that I was lucky with the opportunity I was / am presented with. If I hadn't had such support from my family, I don't think that I could have come this far. I think of how J did what she did - moving so far away without knowing anyone - and I just know if that had been my case, I'd be in a completely situation than I'm in now.

I'm doing what I want for a change. I've got no one to answer to except for myself, and while I may not think that what I've accomplished thus far is anything to scream about - I feel like the growth that I've made as a person in such a short amount of time is much more admirable. Personally, anyway. Not to say that when other people recognize it, it doesn't feel good because it feels really good. Like all the work that I've done really shows and it's not just something I've been telling myself to get me through the day. I've really established some great relationships being here - sometimes I don't know what I would do without them. I think the thing that I cherish most is that I get to build upon these relationships while at the same time creating new ones and working on maintaining my old ones. That in itself it worth all the disagreements, arguments and tears (because believe me, there were some serious ones at some points) that I've had since leaving the place that I grew up.

So with the long story short: I love where I live. I have no regrets, and will never have regrets. It's almost safe to say that it was the best decision I've ever made.

Then in true to form family fashion, we polished off the rest of the wine while moving on to the next topic of discussion and then promptly went to bed.

Perfect weekend, just sayin'.