you play the victim and I'll be the bad guy

"Most times, it's just a lot easier not to let the world know what's wrong."
— Chuck Palahniuk [Invisible Monsters]

For a long, long time I think (ok, I know) that I ran my life with that type of rationalization. And honestly, sometimes I still do. But it's a characteristic of mine that while it may not be the best, I can embrace it and I don't think I'll ever let it go completely. I need that feeling of being able to digest and analyze some things internally and by myself before I can voice it to the world sometimes. I'm slowly but surely learning the difference over things that I can do that with and other things that I can't compact and let build up until it explodes and chaos ensues.

I've noticed this to be somewhat of a trend within my family, and that intrigues me. We're all very strong people it seems, yet we think that we have to carry the weight of the world (and other peoples' drama) on our shoulders. We (well, most of us anyway) tend to put the emotional well-being of others' before our own until it takes its toll on us and then we're forced to realize that we're already doing everything we can and sometimes, that's just not enough. And even if it's not our fault, it's still difficult. That's a hard statement to tell yourself, let alone accept. "What you're doing just isn't enough." Ouch, that hurts. Forgive me for trying to live in denial and forget about it. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying I understand it.

I tend to take on a lot when it comes to this stuff. When I know that someone is going through something, and maybe struggling a little bit, it really weighs heavily on my mind. I want them to know that things are going to be okay - because the usually do. And that things will get better, because they have to. I know what it's like and how easy it is to forget those things when you're all twisted up in something else. But, all I want to do in these situations is help them. Help them remember and help them get over it and to the other side. I like being this person, I've always liked being that person because just knowing that I've helped them, even if it's a little bit, makes it all worth it.

On the other side of things - I sometimes wish that I could emotionally detach myself more often. I invest so much of myself into making other people feel better because it's what I love to do, but I often forget to work on myself in the process. The good thing is that for the first time, I have people that appreciate this quality of mine and at the same time, force me to work on myself. It's a win-win situation for me because I get to do what I love while working on myself at the same time, and I just love it.

I also love my Mom sending me random St. Patrick's Day / Easter packages, because she is adorable. I miss her.